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On Loss

Wednesday 05/04/2005 1:45 AM

In a melancholy mood this evening.

Last nite, I caught Candy crying in the hall. When I asked her what was wrong, she just said, "I miss the boy."

I've gotten used to him not being around and it feels like betrayal — to sometimes go through most of the day without thinking about him.

Here's something I wrote shortly after he died:

Over the last year, especially the last six months, his importance to me has only been more self-evident and, knowing our time together was limited, many was the time I set aside even just a moment to sit with my boy, my old man.

Maintaining that connection, being still with him was sheer bliss. It seemed obvious then, but even more so now. And knowing any moment could be the last, it still didn't fill me up. Like there wasn't enough or never could be. But I guess with the best things, it's always that way.

The more time I spent with him, the more I came to understand the inevitibility of it all, the more I invested and, so now, the more it pains me so.

Did you know I was playing the poker the night he died? We were down to either 3 or 4 of us at the table and the last two standing went to the final table. When I hit my king on the flop, it was all-in for me, but my buddy Nam was holding cowboys (a pocket pair of kings) and I was busted out.

I drove home feeling a little down because it was like my 5th week in a row being 4th out at the first table in the tournament, but days later the good fortune of Nam's cowboys dawned on me at last.

Not making it to the final table that night is on the short list of things I am most thankful for because I got to spend a couple more hours with my boy. And to even think of Candy being home alone with him when he died makes me shudder.

The following week ended up being the last tournament ever at Pockets pool hall (they got in trouble with ATF because people were playing cash games after they busted out of the tournament). Before we got started, I found Nam and talked to him about Chaunce and how happy I was that he took all my chips the week before. He didn't know what to say, but Nam handled the potential awkwardness of the situation with his typical aplomb.

And my first hand of the night?

A royal flush.

File Under: Chauncey; Chauncey, In His Youth; Missing Chaunce; Poker
Music: Sade "Love Is Stronger Than Pride"

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